Robot Jazz

  [The following is satire. Blame a rainy day, an irresponsible amount of gin, and a stack of WARNO screenshots begging to be misused. What follows is a chowderpot of farce, presented without a wink to realism. You’ve been warned.] Day 1 Today, the Trump administration announced a "1000% tariff" on all Soviet products sent to the US. At a press conference, President Trump said, "I love Yuri...I call him 'Yuri'. Not many people get to call him that. I love...uh, Yuri...but we can't have Russia taking advantage of Americans by dumping their vodka on our shores. We love their vodka, but we can’t let them cheat. Nobody cheats America except me — legally, legally."  The Soviet Ambassador, Ivan Ivanovich, released a terse statement that "The Soviet Union will not be abused by America, nor its NATO allies.  We will be forced to act." Andropov reportedly told aides, "I survived kidney failure, the KGB, and Brezhnev’s funeral circuit. I will surviv...

It must be hard to be a Trump voter these days. Consider your track record: You voted for a felon to become richer, and now you are poorer You voted for an insurrectionist to "own the libs", and now the right-wing has never been weaker You voted for a draft dodger to make America stronger, and now the nation has lost a war in a little over one hundred days But, hey, who needs fancy book learnin', right?  What do experts in foreign policy know that a corn-shucker in Iowa doesn't? Isn't that right?  You damn fools. You mouth-breathing, reality TV-addicted, cage-match cheering rubes.  What have you done... 💀💀💀💀💀  When I wrote in a previous blog post that 'Unconditional Surrender' Trump had surrendered , I didn't expect that to be literally true! What I was anticipating was Trump slinking away with his tail between his legs by agreeing to some nebulous ceasefire terms that never progress beyond the discussion phase, with Trump declaring victory despit...

June 28,1942 In the summer of 1942, the German army, stalemated on the Russian front after the failure of Operation Barbarossa  the previous year, attempted a second massive offensive, this time entitled Case Blue . This offensive would be aimed at one of the economic hearts of Russia: the Caucasus oil fields. Hitler believed that if the Wehrmacht could capture those fields, Stalin's war machine, starved of fuel, would crawl to a halt. While he did appreciate that the Soviets would fight to the last to stop this from happening, Hitler understood that this reaction provided a second opportunity for the German army: to crush Soviet reserve units, thereby militarily weakening, perhaps fatally, the Soviet army.  Lastly, Case Blue  also sought to cut the Volga River, thereby cutting off essential Lend-Lease supplies from Stalin's allies.  The initial stage of Case Blue  was a smashing success with vast amounts of territory gained, including the city of Rostov. Even t...

  Breaking News {SATIRE} Embattled Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has once again become embroiled in scandal.  It has been uncovered that Hegseth has been using a game's clan chat system to discuss classified war plans with his online gaming buddies.  According to an anonymous source, Hegseth would often talk about ongoing military operations while playing Activision's popular battle royale shooter,  Call of Duty: Warzone . An informant, whom we shall refer to as "BBalls" to preserve his anonymity, recently contacted this publication with startling allegations. "We'd often be in the middle of a match when 'Hegmeth' - that was our nickname for him - would say something like, 'I just fragged some guy with a SKS, just like when I ordered a SEAL sniper to whack General Hubuti in Yemen. I'm awesome!'" recounted the source. "He would flex his SecDef muscles like this all the time, usually right after some noob downed him for the um...