Day 94: {SATIRE} Hegseth Uses Warzone Clan Chat for Classified Bragging

 

Breaking News {SATIRE}

Embattled Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has once again become embroiled in scandal.  It has been uncovered that Hegseth has been using a game's clan chat system to discuss classified war plans with his online gaming buddies.  According to an anonymous source, Hegseth would often talk about ongoing military operations while playing Activision's popular battle royale shooter, Call of Duty: Warzone.

An informant, whom we shall refer to as "BBalls" to preserve his anonymity, recently contacted this publication with startling allegations. "We'd often be in the middle of a match when 'Hegmeth' - that was our nickname for him - would say something like, 'I just fragged some guy with a SKS, just like when I ordered a SEAL sniper to whack General Hubuti in Yemen. I'm awesome!'" recounted the source. "He would flex his SecDef muscles like this all the time, usually right after some noob downed him for the umpteenth time. We were always reviving his ass."

Hegseth is no stranger to controversy. Before becoming Donald Trump's Secretary of Defense, Hegseth had to fend off sordid allegations from alchoholism to sexual battery. Then, shortly after being confirmed, it was revealed that Hegseth was using a commercially available chat program, Signal, to discuss classified and on-going military operations despite that app not being cleared by his own department for such purposes due to security concerns. After beating back that scandal, Hegseth, mere weeks later, would again be caught using Signal, this time to discuss ongoing military ops with his wife and personal lawyer, none of whom had a 'need to know' clearance. 

When asked, 'BBalls' said he is not surprised by what a trainwreck Hegseth is proving to be. "When I heard the Republican-controlled senate approved him, I was stunned. I mean, this is a guy who would often leave his mic open while playing CoD [Call of Duty]: Warzone, so everyone in the same chat channel could hear everything he would say, from constantly asking his [third] wife [FOX producer] Jennifer [Rauchet] if Kimberly Guilfoyle is as hot in real life as she is on TV to why they were out of bourbon again. Honestly, it was kinda embarrassing for the rest of us. This is not a guy you can trust with state secrets." 

When asked about these allegations, President Trump said Hegseth still had his complete confidence. "This is just another example of the fake news media attacking my administration because we are doing such a great job. When I heard that Hegseth likes cod, I asked my staff what the big deal is. I like cod. I like any fish dinner. Cod is great, cod is powerful, it's an American fish. Hegseth is making cod great again. What's the big deal?" 

Hegseth himself remains unapologetic.  "This is just the media attacking me again because they know how great I am at Warzone, just like how great Musk is at Diable IV. I mean, I get like a dozen killstreak rewards every round!"

After hearing this remark, 'BBalls' just rolled his eyes. "You buy killstreak rewards in Warzone. The dumbass still hasn't figured that out."

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That was satire, obviously. But is it really hard to imagine when you appoint a FOX News host to the head of the largest military department in the world?

I used Call of Duty: Warzone as the game in question because Activision and their army of developers under various studios have done great with the latest season.  Not only did they bring back one of the most classic maps of all time, 'Verdansk', but they tuned the gameplay away from the frenetic style so beloved by pro Twitch streamers to something slower and more tactical. This is important for casuals, especially casuals with arthritic fingers such as me, who can't play at the speed of light, nor have the inclination to practice for hours every day to get there. We just want to be able to jump into a game, get a few kills, and last a few minutes before our inevitable demise. 😆 The new season of Warzone is all that, thanks to including two 'casual' modes that seed the match with bots, guaranteeing that even I can get a kill or two. All in all, the new season of Warzone is well worth the time of lapsed players, as well as first-timers. Seeing how it is free-to-play, what do you have to lose? Give it a try! It even plays great on Geforce Now. 

And the trailer is kick-ass.

There is a lesson for Bungie and their forthcoming Marathon here. The way to success is not to focus on the minority of players who are part of the loud professional gamer crowd, but the vastly larger pool of players made up of 'filthy casuals.' That is how Marathon will succeed. But that is a discussion for another time.

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More bad news: Pope Francis passed away on Easter Monday. May God welcome his good and faithful servant into his eternal kingdom. 

I believe Pope Francis will be viewed as a good pontiff, but not great, such as with John Paul II. Pope Francis was a Jesuit through and through, which is to say as pontiff, he brought a more progressive agenda to the papacy, one focused on reform and renewal. Without going into details here (it would be a long and complex discussion), I argue he confused almost as much as he clarified. So, a mixed bag. 

Unfortunately, because of Francis's focus on contemporary problems, such as the environment, much of his wisdom was lost in the sausage maker of politics. For example, while his encyclical Laudato Si was often discussed in a one-dimensional "environmental" fashion, it is actually a nuanced document that offers political insights for dangerously tumultous days like those we now finds ourselves in: 

196. What happens with politics? Let us keep in mind the principle of subsidiarity, which grants freedom to develop the capabilities present at every level of society, while also demanding a greater sense of responsibility for the common good from those who wield greater power. Today, it is the case that some economic sectors exercise more power than states themselves. But economics without politics cannot be justified, since this would make it impossible to favour other ways of handling the various aspects of the present crisis. The mindset which leaves no room for sincere concern for the environment is the same mindset which lacks concern for the inclusion of the most vulnerable members of society. For “the current model, with its emphasis on success and self-reliance, does not appear to favour an investment in efforts to help the slow, the weak or the less talented to find opportunities in life”.[139]

197. What is needed is a politics which is far-sighted and capable of a new, integral and interdisciplinary approach to handling the different aspects of the crisis. Often, politics itself is responsible for the disrepute in which it is held, on account of corruption and the failure to enact sound public policies. If in a given region the state does not carry out its responsibilities, some business groups can come forward in the guise of benefactors, wield real power, and consider themselves exempt from certain rules, to the point of tolerating different forms of organized crime, human trafficking, the drug trade and violence, all of which become very difficult to eradicate. If politics shows itself incapable of breaking such a perverse logic, and remains caught up in inconsequential discussions, we will continue to avoid facing the major problems of humanity. A strategy for real change calls for rethinking processes in their entirety, for it is not enough to include a few superficial ecological considerations while failing to question the logic which underlies present-day culture. A healthy politics needs to be able to take up this challenge.

198. Politics and the economy tend to blame each other when it comes to poverty and environmental degradation. It is to be hoped that they can acknowledge their own mistakes and find forms of interaction directed to the common good. While some are concerned only with financial gain, and others with holding on to or increasing their power, what we are left with are conflicts or spurious agreements where the last thing either party is concerned about is caring for the environment and protecting those who are most vulnerable. Here too, we see how true it is that “unity is greater than conflict”.[140]

May the Holy Spirit guide the College of Cardinals in picking a pope who can meet the challenges of these desperate times.  We need a prelate like Pope John Paul II, who helped end Soviet tyranny. With rumors of Russian agents infesting Vatican City (the battle for Ukraine reaches far behind the frontlines), I suspect that there is going to be more to consider than just theology when picking the next pope. 

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