[SATIRE] Trump versus Andropov

 

[The following is satire. Blame a rainy day, an irresponsible amount of gin, and a stack of WARNO screenshots begging to be misused. What follows is a chowderpot of farce, presented without a wink to realism. You’ve been warned.]

Day 1

Today, the Trump administration announced a "1000% tariff" on all Soviet products sent to the US. At a press conference, President Trump said, "I love Yuri...I call him 'Yuri'. Not many people get to call him that. I love...uh, Yuri...but we can't have Russia taking advantage of Americans by dumping their vodka on our shores. We love their vodka, but we can’t let them cheat. Nobody cheats America except me — legally, legally." 

The Soviet Ambassador, Ivan Ivanovich, released a terse statement that "The Soviet Union will not be abused by America, nor its NATO allies.  We will be forced to act."

Andropov reportedly told aides, "I survived kidney failure, the KGB, and Brezhnev’s funeral circuit. I will survive this and come out the stronger."

Day 14

West German Chancellor Helmut Kohl held a special press conference today in which he said that the Bundesnachrichtendienst, West Germany's equivalent of the American CIA, had detected a sizable Soviet build-up on its border. The BND, normally cautious in its public statements, described the Soviet buildup as "highly irregular and potentially destabilizing."  He speculated that this was a direct result of the worsening relations between the USSR and the West following American President Donald Trump's arbitrary trade war, where many Soviet exports were hit with a tariff rate so high that many economists consider it both "unprecedented and functionally impossible."

When asked about the alarming reports from West Germany, President Trump merely called them "fake news." He went on to accuse West Germany, a nation that has also been hit with heavy tariffs for what Trump referred to as its "unfair pretzel monopoly," of fabricating a crisis to get him to reduce his tariff-based trade policy, which was "making America great again."

Day 17

 

Soviet reconnaissance troops photographed inside West Germany

Today, stunning photos of what appear to be Soviet advance reconnaissance troops infiltrating West German towns along the shared border between East and West Germany have rattled not just the West German nation, but NATO at large.  Chancellor Helmut Kohl has said that this act of the Soviet Union constitutes a threat to the territorial sovereignty of West Germany and that he will request the activation of Article V of the NATO Charter.  

When shown the photos, President Trump said that Kohl was overacting. "This is theater. They [the photos] looked ‘photoshopped.’"  Trump then suggested the soldiers might be "German actors, very talented people, tremendous talent."

President Trump suggested there was no need to panic. "Yuri...I call him Yuri...Yuri and I understand each other. We both have big red buttons. We both have, uh, we both have strong militaries. That is respect. There is respect between us, unlike with the peanut farmer...uh, Carter. Tonight, I will be calling Yuri to stop these rumors."

Marco Rubio, President Trump's Secretary of State, later told the press that "It would be economic suicide for the Soviets to attack West Germany. They won't do it. And if they do, we have options ready."

Pravda responded by calling Trump’s remarks "the confused ramblings of a brain‑addled imperialist.”

Day 18

A Soviet T-72AV inside West Germany engages American forces

After weeks of boiling tension, war has seemingly broken out between the Soviet Union and West Germany and America, but not the larger NATO alliance. Today, the Kremlin issued a statement that "America must pay for its unprovoked economic aggression against the Soviet people. We do not seek a wider war against the entire NATO alliance. Rather, we seek only to punish imperialist American military forces in West Germany, a nation that would not exist without US meddling in Europe at the conclusion of the Great Patriotic War."

NATO headquarters in Brussels issued a brief statement saying only that "the situation is under urgent review," a phrase analysts interpreted as a sign of deep alarm.

President Trump did not appear in public today, but the White House did issue a statement that "the United States is preparing a military response the likes of which has never been seen."

Another official insisted the White House statement was "premature," adding, "We don’t even know what the President means by that.”

Aides close to Andropov described him as "calm but resolute." An unnamed source in the Kremlin said that Andropov remarked, "We've been preparing for this inevitable confrontation with the capitalist West for decades. America should be concerned."

Day 19

A Soviet Mi-8MT uses rockets to hit West German positions

Today, fighting along the shared border between East and West Germany intensified as Soviet units were seen to push deeper into West German territory. Jürgen Hoffspader, a spokesman for Chancellor Helmut Kohl, said the chancellor was becoming increasingly frustrated with the sluggishness of the American response. "It doesn't appear that our American allies were prepared for hostilities at all, despite the growing tension," said one unnamed source in the Kohl government.  "There has been almost no coordination with our forces!"  He added that the chancellor has been unable to even get President Trump to return his phone calls.

In Washington, Secretary of War Peter Hegseth posted a brief video on the official Pentagon social media site.  "In the finest tradition of our forces who excel at killing, for whom winning is not an option," Hegseth says in the video, "we are pushing our testosterone envelopes and shifting our warfighting paradigms to overcome the Red Bear." Military analysts, when asked about the video, had no comment. 

President Trump has yet to appear in public; however, an aide said Trump had asked Secretary of State Marco Rubio whether the Berlin Wall could be "turned back on," though it was unclear what he meant.

In other news, Soviet artillery was heard as far west as Bayreuth. In contrast, Soviet state television aired triumphant footage of Mi‑8 helicopters striking ‘fascist positions,’ accompanied by martial music and patriotic slogans.

Day 20

Soviet troops advance deeper into West Germany

Hostilities between the Soviet Union and America and West Germany continue with Soviet forces pushing deeper into West German territory. Fighting has intensified as greater resistance is met the deeper the USSR penetrates into West German defensive positions. Nonetheless, West German and American forces have been unable to bring the Soviet offensive to a halt.

Today, President Donald Trump gave his first press conference since hostilities commenced. "We are kicking the hell out of the Sovs - I call them 'the Sovs' - like no one has ever seen," he said.  "They don't know what to do. We are destroying their army and air force. We are slaughtering them." Privately, Pentagon officials admitted they had no evidence to support the President’s claims of Soviet losses.

There was a moment of tension during the press conference when CFN News anchor Janet Blondington asked the president why there was fighting, even though he had said that he and Andropov had a relationship of mutual respect. "Shut up, piggy!" snapped the president. "You're fake news. You should be ashamed of yourself," he told her.  "You're the enemy of the people." The president then blamed West Germany for the conflict. "I've been warning NATO that they need to invest more in their defense; they can't keep freeloading on us. I told them that many times. Germany, you know, Germany was a great nation during WWII. Powerful! Now they are weak. Mr. Germany, uh, Kohl is a terrible chancellor. He is a weak guy. Not like other German chancellors. He brought this on himself."

French and British officials reportedly expressed alarm at the President’s praise of Germany’s WWII strength.

Pravda mocked Trump’s remarks, saying the President "appears to be fighting an imaginary war inside his own mind."

Day 25

A Soviet self-propelled anti-aircraft gun shoots down an American fighter-bomber (TASS)

As the war grinds into its first week, America has been unable to stop the Soviet incursion into West Germany. While coordination between American and West German forces has improved, Soviet units continue to push ever deeper into the Federal Republic of Germany. American air power has been very active over the battlefield during the last two days, something that has resulted in "devasting loses" to Soviet forces, according to Major Henry Stiles, spokesman for the Central Army Group (CENTAG). Perhaps as a result of that increased effort, American casualties in the air and on the ground have increased significantly, according to sources inside the Pentagon.  

The president took questions from the press today outside Mar-a-Lago, where he is planning to spend the weekend hosting a fundraising event for the Republican Party.  When asked about US casualty figures, something the Pentagon has not addressed since the start of hostilities, Trump said, "We've had almost no casualties. The US military is that good. Less than a hundred, I'm told. And most of those had minor injuries, like simple brain trauma, and are already back at their posts." He added, "Compared to the Civil War, we are in great shape."

When asked how long this conflict could continue, the president was very optimistic.  "They want to make a deal. We are kicking the hell out of them, and they want to make a deal very badly. They are calling me constantly, begging for a deal. But I say 'Nyet!' That's Russian for 'nope.'  A lot of people don't know that. 'Nyet' means 'nope'. I say, 'Nyet!' and go back to fighting. But we are getting there. We're close to a ceasefire."

West German officials were reportedly stunned that the President chose to hold a fundraiser as their forces fought for survival. 

Pravda declared that Soviet anti‑air units were ‘swatting American aircraft like flies,’ accompanied by triumphant footage of tracer fire.

Day 38

An American M60 tank burns after being hit by a Soviet ATGM inside West Germany

Despite the war approaching one full month of hostilities, there is no sign of a ceasefire. Soviet forces continue to advance deeper into West Germany as both American and West German forces suffer increasing casualties as they attempt to stem the Soviet advance. Firebreak, a geopolitical think tank, estimates that the USSR now occupies roughly 20% of West Germany. However, the Pentagon refutes that figure.  "Just because Soviet troops are sitting on a piece of land doesn't mean it is occupied territory," snapped Secretary of War Pete Hegseth when asked about the report. "West Germany is the same as it was before this dispute. It just happens to have pockets of Soviet men and equipment scattered about. This doesn't mean West Germany has lost territory. To say so disrespects our warfighters."

When asked about the ongoing conflict, President Trump, who was giving a presentation about his proposed renovation of the already renovated, if slime green, Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, said, "10% or 20% or whatever. It doesn't matter. We don't need West Germany, I hate to tell you. We don't need them. The Soviets can take all of Germany, and it wouldn't affect America in the least."

When asked about reports that West German Chancellor Helmut Kohl was becoming increasingly angry about what he perceived to be a less-than-effective defense of his nation, Trump replied, "I spoke to him yesterday. I told him he had to make a deal with Andropov. Andropov wants peace. I want peace. West Germany is the problem. I told Kohl that by not negotiating with Andropov, he was playing with World War V.  Kohl needs to be reasonable and make a deal. This is their fight, not ours."

West German officials were reportedly stunned, with one calling the President’s comments "an abandonment."

The Kremlin mocked the Pentagon’s statement, saying that "territory containing Soviet tanks is, by definition, Soviet territory."

Soviet armored columns were seen approaching the outskirts of Stuttgart.

Day 45

The scourging of Schnitzlebach

Today, shocking photos from West Germany were leaked to the press. It depicts the West German town of Schnitzlebach consumed by flames.  Initially, experts feared that the ongoing conflict for control of West Germany had taken a dangerous turn with the use of a tactical nuclear strike by Soviet forces. However, the lack of radioactivity indicates that the town was most likely destroyed by the use of thermobaric bombs. A source inside the Bundesministerium der Verteidigung (BMVg), the West German Ministry of Defense, reports that a Soviet Su-17M4 was tracked on radar approaching the town before the town's destruction. This particular Soviet aircraft is known to carry six 500-kg ODAB-500PM thermobaric bombs, weapons designed to incinerate their targets by dispersing a highly combustible fuel-air mist that subsequently ignites, triggering an overpressure blastwave that can flatten buildings. What survives the blast is later consumed by the subsequent firestorm. The use of such "terror weapons," as the BVVg put it, indicates a serious escalation in the conflict.

When asked about the use of this weapon inside of West Germany, President Trump said, "This is the first I heard of it. I didn't see the photo." When pressed for further comments, he replied, "Bad things happen in war, I hate to tell you. Bad things. This was probably a leaker. Our air defense units inside of Germany are doing great work, but we get leakers."

When asked about any possible American response, President Trump replied that options were being considered. "We are looking at options. I won't tell you what, that would be stupid. You shouldn't ask me that. But we are looking at options."

West German territorial units reported heavy civilian casualties, with officials reportedly furious, calling the strike "an atrocity.”

The Kremlin denied responsibility, claiming the town was destroyed by "capitalist provocation.” 

The mood inside West Germany is grim, as the war continues to devour territory, displacing tens of thousands while destroying segments of the West German economy by weaponry or Soviet occupation. While unconfirmed, there are reports of Soviet troops on the outskirts of the major industrial city of Gheersburg.  NATO analysts warned that the loss of Gheersburg could cripple West Germany’s ability to sustain the war effort. Local officials reported that evacuation routes were overwhelmed, with thousands fleeing on foot.

Day 60

Gheersburg crumbles from sustained Soviet artillery barrages and air strikes

More bad news for the Federal Republic of Germany today as the important industrial town of Gheersburg suffered heavy damage from sustained Soviet artillery barrages and airstrikes, as the 34th Guards Mechanized Division prepares to seize the town from its West German and American defenders.  Chancellor Helmut Kohl was defiant: "We will never surrender! In the spirit of Churchill, we will meet the enemy wherever they are to be found!"

According to polling, President Trump's handling of the war has hit a new low of 13% approval. Political scientists attribute this atrocious number not just to the scenes of carnage coming out of West Germany, but also to the deleterious effect it is having on the US and global economy.  President Trump dismissed such concerns.  "Andropov is on a little excursion, okay? That is all this is.  A little excursion for them. They want to make a deal with us. They want to stop the fighting, but they just can't find the way yet. They need just a bit more time. And when they do make that deal with us, the economy will rebound so fast you won't believe it. Things will be better than ever."

When asked about the grave situation around Gheersburg, Trump confidently stated that "Adropov is not going to enter Gheersburg. He knows we will destroy him. We already destroyed all his tanks, troops and jets, and we will destroy these troops too. He is not going to do it."

Pravda hailed the impending capture of Gheersburg as "a triumph of socialist arms." A NATO official described the situation as "extremely grave," noting that Gheersburg’s fall would sever key industrial corridors. Pentagon officials privately admitted that the situation was "rapidly deteriorating.”

Day 65

Soviet troops of the 34th Guards Mechanized Division enter a shattered Gheersburg

Soviet troops today began their assault on the besieged town of Gheersburg. Fighting was reported to be extremely intense, with soldiers fighting from building to building, street to street. In reaction to the news of the Soviet assault on the important West German industrial town, President Trump used social media to post the following:

TUESDAY WILL BE POWER PLANT DAY, AND BRIDGE DAY, ALL WRAPPED UP IN ONE, IN THE USSR. THERE WILL BE NOTHING LIKE IT!! STOP THE ASSAULT ON GHEERSBURG, YOU CRAZY BASTARDS, OR YOU'LL BE LIVING IN HELL - JUST WATCH! PRAISE BE TO KARL MARX! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.

White House officials could not be reached for comment.

Pravda responded by calling the President’s message ‘the ravings of an STD-enfeebled pedophile president.”

Day 70

Puffs of black smoke trace the line of destruction left by cluster munitions being deployed inside Gheersburg

Today, Soviet forces again escalated their assault on the industrial city of Gheersburg by using cluster munitions to destroy entrenched defenders. Considered by many to be illegal weapons of war, cluster munitions deploy a payload of small bomblets that scatter across an area, some detonating on contact with blasts powerful enough to destroy armored vehicles, while others sit dormant until disturbed by soldiers or even civilians.  The use of such a weapon in the wake of the President of the United States' recent social media threat is clearly meant to convey a message of dismissal on the part of the Kremlin.

Emergency crews reported unexploded bomblets scattered across residential blocks, posing a deadly risk to fleeing civilians.

Day 80

An M60 tank burns in a parking lot in Gheersburg, with its 'tossed turret' coming to rest near an abandoned car

The Soviet incursion into West Germany continues unabated with an estimated 35% of the federal republic's territory now under Soviet control.  One pocket of resistance remains the besieged industrial city of Gheersburg where US and West German forces continue to offer resistance. However, sources within the Pentagon report that US forces are approaching a breaking point as ammunition runs short and casualties mount. "It is a grim situation," confesses a Pentagon war planner who spoke on condition of anonymity. 

Leaks from the White House indicate President Trump is becoming increasingly frustrated by the conflict as it drags down his approval numbers to lows not seen since the days of Richard Nixon.  According to leakers, the increasingly infirm president exploded at a meeting with his top advisers upon learning that American troops may need to retreat from Gheersburh or face elimination. He is reported to have yelled expletives at his advisors and even thrown his habitual lunch of McDonald's French fries with ketchup at a portrait of Jeffrey Epstein that hangs in the Situation Room. 

Local officials reported that thousands of civilians remained trapped inside Gheersburg’s industrial district. A NATO official described the situation as "approaching collapse." TASS mocked reports of American exhaustion, calling Gheersburg "the graveyard of capitalist armor."

 

Day 100

Breaking News

Pat Benatar has announced a new album, entitled "A Battlefield is also a Battlefield". Recorded to protest the Soviet aggression in West Germany, as well as the rise of fascism around the world, this album has already topped the charts. It is being reported that 10 million copies have already been pre-ordered by fans.  

To learn more about the new album, be sure to read our deep-dive on page A3.

In other news, the United Nations has released a report that estimates over 30,000 West German citizens have been killed or injured during the conflict with Russia, while nearly one million have been left homeless.

Details on page A47.

Day 110

In a stunning move, the New York Yankees have traded their star pitcher, Felix Banano, to the LA Dodgers for an estimated 10 million dollars.  Yankee fans were quick to express their outrage at having one of the star players of this year's lineup given away to a rival team.  "This is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone!" said Bob Smith, self-described lifetime fan of the Bronx Bombers. "What could be worse than this?!"

Details on page A4

In other news, American and West German forces have been forced into a small defensive pocket inside Gheersburg after a long siege by Soviet forces.  "It won't be much longer now," one unnamed Pentagon spokesman stated. "The president declined to withdraw troops from the city, insisting that it could be held because he believed US troops were 'kicking the [expletive] out of them.' Now they are trapped." 

Details on page A32

A Soviet T-72 fires its main gun inside Gheersburg

Day 120

It was a grim day today in Washington, D.C., as the Washington National Opera cancelled its performance season due to a funding cut by the Trump administration. Speaking at a ceremony marking the demolition of the Lisner Auditorium to make way for a new NASCAR racetrack, President Trump told the press that it was a long-overdue cost-saving measure. "We don't need that fancy, foreign singing," he quipped. "Fast cars racing in circles is real American entertainment."  Despite the president's remarks, many D.C. residents expressed remorse at the loss of such a cherished cultural institution.

Details on page A5

Today, the last American troops in Gheersburg "scattered" in an attempt to flee the city before they were destroyed. "It was chaos," remarked an anonymous source in the Pentagon. "Every man for himself, type of situation," they added.  Hans Frauheimer, a senior researcher at the geopolitical think tank Firebreak, in an interview, remarked, "This is a devastating defeat not just for West Germany, but also for the elan of US armed forces. There hasn't been a defeat like this since the Battle of Kasserine Pass during the Second World War. America's geopolitical standing will be tarnished for a long time."

When asked about the fall of Gheersburg, President Trump remarked, "We are very close to making a deal. The Sovs are desperate to make a deal because things are going great for us." He then excused himself to attend a Stormy Daniels film festival at the Donald J Trump and John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.

Details on page A40

An American soldier under Soviet fire runs past the bodies of his fallen comrades as he flees Gheersburg

By the next morning, the headlines had already moved on to more important stories, such as Goldie Hawn's dieting secrets...

This is where the screenshots ran out, and so that’s where this not-so-funny story stops.